||[Apr. 9th, 2010|09:10 am]
Well I was able to walk out of the vet's office, but barely. I am glad I was there for her, but still feel like I have her blood on my hands. I got inside before her and when she saw me she was extremely excited. She moaned and whined while she was in the room and backed away from the vet as if she knew what was about to happen. She hid between me and the table and I had to coax her over to him. I sat with her while he did the injection and she gradually began to become limp and her eyes started to close. At that moment I just bawled and couldn't look at her. The vet talked and I heard nothing. Everything was spinning and I just wanted her to come back, but it was too late. She was gone. I layed there with her on the floor and sobbed. My mom was there as well and she talked to her and kissed her. I wanted to lay there with her forever and wasn't ready to leave when my mom was ready. I kissed her one last time and left.
I cried something aweful once I got to my house. I grabbed her stuffed animals and took them to bed with me. No matter how hard I squeezed them, I couldn't bring her back. I finally decided enough was enough and dried my face and went to bathroom to splash cold water over it. I came out and grabbed a beer and Steven asked how it went. I held it together, for the most part, while I told him. We did a shot in her honor and proceeded to talk about the great times we had with her. It was exactly what I needed. I didn't cry again until I went to bed. I cried 'til it hurt and eventually passed out.
When I woke up this morning I felt pretty good and thought, okay enough of that now onto today. But I still couldn't shake the horrible feeling. I fool myself at times thinking I can be strong and forget what happened. Just move on like it's just another day. But while I was in the shower another wave hit me and again while driving to work and well of course now while I write this. I know I will get through this, but for now I think it's okay to be miserable. I just hate the guilty feeling I have. There's nothing worse than knowing you killed your bestfriend.
Please God, just help me be reminded that I did it for the right reasons. She was not able to enjoy her life, that she was in pain and that I have lifted the agony from her and that now she is able to run and jump and enjoy herself in the afterlife. I will be with her again some day and until then, I have her memory.
R.I.P. - Sugar