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Jessica

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Just a year ago.. [Oct. 25th, 2011|09:19 pm]
Jessica
[Current Mood |thankfulthankful]

So a year ago October 20th, Dan and I decided to make our friendship a courtship. And for the past 2 months, we've been engaged. What a whirlwind. I believe from the moment we started hanging out, I knew I was going to be with him. I remember telling Jodie that even though I couldn't see myself with him after our first time out, I could see us together at some point. And it wasn't soon after that that in my mind I was saying we'd be married some day. Strange how strongly we both felt for each other right off the bat. He's still amazing to me this day. We have our issues, but it's a relief to know that we can work them out. I know it's still early in our relationship, but I believe with God's help we'll always work things out.

So we're still scrounging around for wedding locations and reception areas. We found one place, Grandfather's Barn, that would house our reception for $350. I'm pretty sure this is what we're going to use, just hoping we can fit all our guests inside and still have a dance floor and be comfortable. Not sure we'll have the ceremony on site or not. So once we get all that decided I think I'll somewhat be able to relax. So far, we have my dress, his tux, my possible bridesmaids dresses, and our wedding colors picked out. Still soooo much more to do, but just taking it one step at a time.

So that being said, even though there are a ton of stressors on both of us right now (wedding, finances, work, etc), we are still happily engaged. :)
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Drinking.... [Nov. 25th, 2010|03:11 am]
Jessica
[Current Mood |thirstythirsty]

So I've decided to challenge myself and not drink alcohol for 4 weeks. So far, I'm a week and a half into it. I figured it'd be a good way to watch the waistline as well as the pocket book. What makes it difficult is my cousin Steven. If he's at home, he generally has a beer in hand. But I've done this before for 2 weeks and it wasn't too bad, so I figured why not try for 4. Dan doesn't drink alcohol, but he drinks pop so he said to help support me, he'll forgo soda. Guess we shall see how this goes...I'm thirsty though!
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2010|06:44 pm]
Jessica
[Current Mood |peacefulpeaceful]

Ever realize how wrong a relationship was when you thought it was so right? Interesting how that happens. One day you're happy and the next you see it for what it is. Thankfully, I have that to look back on and encourage me to choose the right person in the future, which I believe I've done.

I started going to church last year sometime around December. I knew there was something missing in my life and I was starting to go down the wrong path and being someone I wasn't. I needed to get a hold of life and myself. So I shopped around a bit and finally found one that suited me. Once there, they encourage you to get up and walk around and introduce yourself to people you've never met. Well, this was a somewhat terrifying experience for me. Not only was I out of my element (church), but now I'm having to either hug or shake hands with unknowns. Well after a few Sundays of introducing myself to Dan he asked me to go to lunch with him and his family, but I declined. Then I decided to try and look him up on Facebook through the church's fan page, but unfortunately you couldn't look up by name and of course all I knew him by was Dan. So after trying to sift through 800 or more people I gave up. I said, if I'm supposed to find him I will. I hit the back button and BAM! there he was! I couldn't believe it. So after talking with one another for awhile, we started hanging out and getting to know one another.

We were friends for some time, for reasons I wont go into, and remained that way until a month or so ago. At some point, I just decided that we were so great together and I didn't want to be just friends. I knew I wasn't going to date anyone else regardless of our "friend" status. It is truly a blessing that I've found someone as amazing as he is. The reasons of having to remain friends for so long before deciding to make it a relationship, were truly a blessing in disguise. It helped us get to know one another for who we are without the false pretenses of dating.

Both our families get along wonderfully. My cousin Steven and uncle Steve and I go hunting with him on his uncle's property all the time. We all go fishing together. If we're not with my family, we're with his. Never have I been in a relationship that I actually truly enjoy the company of the other person's family. His family is such good hearted people, they're just a joy to be around.

So yes, I thank God everyday that He brought Dan into my life and that I am lucky enough to have someone such as he. I'm still not sure how or if I deserve him, but I won't question it. Not only did I meet Dan through God, Dan helps make my relationship with God even closer.
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Poem... [Apr. 9th, 2010|10:50 am]
Jessica
I found this on a Facebook page and thought it very relevant. Not sure who wrote it, but it definitely hit the spot for how I feel right now...

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have is memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake with which I'll never part.
Heaven has you in it's haven, I have you in my heart.
Rest in peace, with my love.
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(no subject) [Apr. 9th, 2010|09:10 am]
Jessica
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

Well I was able to walk out of the vet's office, but barely. I am glad I was there for her, but still feel like I have her blood on my hands. I got inside before her and when she saw me she was extremely excited. She moaned and whined while she was in the room and backed away from the vet as if she knew what was about to happen. She hid between me and the table and I had to coax her over to him. I sat with her while he did the injection and she gradually began to become limp and her eyes started to close. At that moment I just bawled and couldn't look at her. The vet talked and I heard nothing. Everything was spinning and I just wanted her to come back, but it was too late. She was gone. I layed there with her on the floor and sobbed. My mom was there as well and she talked to her and kissed her. I wanted to lay there with her forever and wasn't ready to leave when my mom was ready. I kissed her one last time and left.

I cried something aweful once I got to my house. I grabbed her stuffed animals and took them to bed with me. No matter how hard I squeezed them, I couldn't bring her back. I finally decided enough was enough and dried my face and went to bathroom to splash cold water over it. I came out and grabbed a beer and Steven asked how it went. I held it together, for the most part, while I told him. We did a shot in her honor and proceeded to talk about the great times we had with her. It was exactly what I needed. I didn't cry again until I went to bed. I cried 'til it hurt and eventually passed out.

When I woke up this morning I felt pretty good and thought, okay enough of that now onto today. But I still couldn't shake the horrible feeling. I fool myself at times thinking I can be strong and forget what happened. Just move on like it's just another day. But while I was in the shower another wave hit me and again while driving to work and well of course now while I write this. I know I will get through this, but for now I think it's okay to be miserable. I just hate the guilty feeling I have. There's nothing worse than knowing you killed your bestfriend.

Please God, just help me be reminded that I did it for the right reasons. She was not able to enjoy her life, that she was in pain and that I have lifted the agony from her and that now she is able to run and jump and enjoy herself in the afterlife. I will be with her again some day and until then, I have her memory.

R.I.P. - Sugar
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Sugar [Apr. 8th, 2010|03:50 pm]
Jessica
[Current Mood |My heart hurts...]

Today my family and I are regrettably and with heavy hearts going to have to put my best friend down. I am planning on going into the room with her and being there while she takes her lasts breaths. I really don't know what kind of condition I'll be in once it's over with. I'm afraid I might not be able to walk out of there. It's just hard because she still has the energy and spunk she's always had. It's just her damn legs aren't able to carry her anymore.

She looks at me now with sad eyes because she wants to run around and play, but realizes she can't. We've got rugs all over the house so she can "walk" and not have her legs fall out from under her. She's an amazing dog though and realizes her new found shortcomings. She looks to us for help and stability and of course we do what we can. We tried taking her to a vet that did acupuncture and chiropractic care. Nothing worked. We did several treatments and changed up her diet, but unfortunately the disease has gotten the better of her.

I did some research on it and it says they only live about 6 months from onset of it. It's called Degenerative Myelopathy and is mostly found in German Shepherds. We had never heard of it before and really had no idea what it really all meant. Our vet didn't really say much about it, of course when we went to him she was just sort of dragging her back leg. The 2nd vet/acupuncturist told us it was neuro related. Shortly after that she really started to go down hill.

When I go with her tonight, I'll have to remind myself that this has to be for the best and she will once again run and play to her hearts desire once she reaches the other side. It just breaks my heart to think about holding her and looking into her eyes and me knowing what's about to happen and her totally giving all her trust to me, only to have her "killed". Again, I don't know if I'm going to be able to walk out of there. I'm really scared. I just keep praying that God will help my family and I get through this....
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I Love You Guy... [Mar. 10th, 2010|11:20 pm]
Jessica
[Current Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

Alright, so that didn't work out so well. Went on 4 dates with a guy and it seemed to be going well. Unfortunately, he turned out to be a weirdo. I mean I guess I should have known when he wrote on a napkin that he loved me...on our first date! He did say that he didn't "mean it that way", not sure how he exactly meant it, but alcohol was involved so I decided to ignore. Date number 2 was a lunch date and no alcohol and it went well. Date number 3 was a dinner/drinks date and again he mentioned something about love. Asked if he could be in love with me. I told him he doesn't know me so there's no way he can "love" me, but he said that what he does know about me, he loves. Okay fine.

After a few drinks myself, I agreed to have dinner at his place and stay there if it got too late because he lived an hour away from me, but on the couch and he in his bed. He thought it better if I got the bed and he the couch or we "cuddle" in his bed. So when having sober thoughts the next day, I texted him and told him I wasn't sleepover ready and didn't want to send the wrong message or set the wrong tone. He was good with that, so we decided on sushi then drinks and music at Carlo and Johnny's. This is where it gets interesting.

So, dinner was good. Had maybe 3 or 4 glasses of wine and sushi was awesome. Unfortunately, he had to keep touching my hair, my hands, my face and telling me how great I am. I know, you'd think one would love this right? No. So after enough of that we went to Carlo and Johnnys and parked in the lot for an apt complex, which had a sign that said Private Parking. We both drove there and both parked there, even though I pointed out the sign and said we shouldn't; he didn't have much concern so I just went with it.

Well once inside he proceeds to drink too much and get even more hands on. Kept telling me he was in love or asking if he could be, blah, blah, blah. He then asked if I would go to Nashville w/him for a week for work. I started to say something and he goes, "shh shh shh, yes or no." and puts his finger on my lips. (This wasn't the first time he pulled this either) So I said, "then no, I'm not ready for that type of commitment". So then he proceeds to ask if I'd go as a friend and I said mayybee, but probably not.

So now I've had to order a double captain and diet, after having 2 crown & 7s. He hears me order a drink and gets 2 for me! I'm thinkin ok because I'm going to need it to get through tonight. After that, he grabs my hand and demands we go dance. I didn't want to, but he begged. Once out there, I try to make the best of it. He thinks it's the greatest thing ever because "he doesn't dance, ever!" and he's doing it. He runs back to the bar to get his drink, come back saying he's not sure if it's his and of course is spilling it because it's full to the top. I take this as a cue to go sit back down. Thankfully he stays out on the dance floor.

Once I sit back down, I hear some guy saying how someone just took his drink right out in front of him. Wonderful. But as I'm sitting there, 2 black guys come up and one asks if he can put his jacket on my chair, so I let him. We start chatting and trading flirty smiles and winks. At this time, Matt comes back and makes it VERY well known I'm his. Making sure to rub me down and basically lick the whole side of my face. Just gross.

So once again we go through the whole how great I am thing and how much he thinks he loves me. I keep telling him to calm down, just relax, let's just sit and enjoy the music. Basically just trying to tell him to shut up in a nice way. I believe he asks me something like if I thought we'd be together or if I'm ready to make a commitment and he does the whole, "shh shh shh, yes or no." So again, I say, "Then no." I told him I've already been through a relationship before where the guy was in love well ahead of the game and held it against me when I wasn't and I wouldn't do it again. So he jumps up and says, "Well then I guess that pretty much says it all then doesn't it!" Ha! So I asked him if he was going to leave and he said yeah.

I figured maybe he's just going to go to the bathroom and wait a bit. After a few min I cash out our bill, which was $74! So of course I'm not going to pay for this date from hell. So I get up and go check to see if his car is still out in the parking lot or not. As I'm headed towards the door, he's walking back in. He storms in saying, "They took my car! It's gone!" So now I'm thinking, you fucking bastard! You were going to stiff me with the bill! I figure I better go check to see if my car is there and as we're walking out, the bartender waves us down and says we can't leave, we still have to pay out our tab. I tell her we're just going to go check on our cars (ha, yeah like that's believable). Of course she says we need to leave a credit card with her and so he proceeds to just toss his whole wallet at her and says that should cover it.

Thankfully, my car was still there. Serves him right for trying to walk out on me! So I move my car and head back inside. He's cashing out and I ask someone if they can find out who towed his car and where to. Matt asks me if I can take him home and I agree, even though I really didn't want to. I tell him we have to wait to find out where his car is. He demands to leave right then and I tell him no, we're going to wait. I was fed up by this point and figured we're going to start play by my rules now.

So once we got the info, we went to my car where I had to tell him to put on his seat belt. Of course he didn't want to and I told him, "well then we're not going anywhere. You want to ride with me, you have to wear your seat belt". So he yanks it here and there and finally gets it connected. I just wanted to be difficult since he was. As we're driving, he asks if I'm upset. Really?!?! Lol, so I said, "uh yeah I'm upset, you were going to stiff me with the bill!" He says, "No, you don't owe me anything." I told him, "I know I don't owe you anything!" and then asked why he left. Of course he denies wanting to leave me with the bill and says that he just wanted to go check on his car. I said, "really, right then just all the sudden got the sudden urge to check on it?". He sticks with his story and instead of arguing I just drop it. I just want to get him home and out of my life at this point.

So we're about to his house when he asks me to come in and cuddle with him. LOL, really?!? I of course say no and he doesn't understand and so I proceed to tell him that it just wouldn't be right and don't want to. He says, "well fine! Then you can just let me out here!" I told him no, that I was going to keep driving until he tells me where his house is. For one, wasn't sure if he could find his house with him being as drunk as he was and two, I felt like being difficult. So of course I pass it and he says, "Great, you just passed my fucking house!" And I said, "yeah and so now I'm going to turn around and I'll do it again if you don't tell me where it is".

Find his house, he gets out and goes inside. I just sit there in total disbelief. Did that really just happen? Ha ha, there's so many other little details that happened throughout the night. I just wish I had a video camera or a more photographic memory. I think there were some things that I just couldn't believe were happening so I deleted them from memory.

So of course I get a text from him the next day saying he's sorry and asking if he screwed everything up. Just told him that I was on my way to church and that I really didn't have time to discuss it. Told him that I saw the ugly side last night and wasn't happy with it and that I was still digesting it. He comes back and says that he had a bad day and that isn't how he normally acts and says sorry and blah blah blah. I don't respond. He then says that he just found out that he might have cancer and was going through a lot and even though it's no excuse he hopes that we can work it out. So I responded, "I'm sorry to hear that and hope it turns out okay and that being said, I don't think we're going to work out. Your at a place that I'm not and I'd have to constantly play catch up and I don't want that." I was afraid there'd be a texting war, but luckily he just said he understood and apologized once again.

Wow, just wow. It was so embarrassing. I kept getting looks from the bartenders like, oh you poor girl. At one point I just wanted to get drunk so that maybe I could have as much fun as he was having, but decided that this time I should really try to stay sober. Needed to be clear headed.

I gotta say though, I was really proud of myself. I don't normally stick up for myself like that. I have a tendency to sugarcoat things or feel bad for telling someone something they don't want to hear. I'm a people pleaser so at times it's hard for me to do what's best for me or say what I'm truly thinking and sometimes I end up regretting it. But I think in my quest to find something real, I've just become more certain with myself and if they don't like it then it's not meant to be. I wasn't nasty or rude about anything I said or did that night, I was just to the point and didn't second guess myself. Just felt really good.
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Gots a date tonight.... [Feb. 26th, 2010|08:55 am]
Jessica
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

So, I've got a date tonight and am somewhat nervous about it. I wasn't until I found out he's 37, 10 years older than I am. So far it seems like we'd be a good match. He told me he loves the outdoors, campfires, smiling and making others smile. Ha ha, my brother Josh asked if that was his Match.com profile. Sounded like a good line to me so I'm going for it. He's a friend of Ali's, so I'm hoping I can trust her judgment.

So back to the age thing. One of the good things about him being older is that he's already accomplished. He's an executive director at an assisted living facility, so I know he's ambitious and knows what he wants. He did warn me that when he sees something he likes, he goes for it. So we'll see if that's me. I did just say the other day that 37 is my cutoff age, so I guess he just fell within the bracket.

Even though I'm nervous about it, I'm also very excited. I decided that I wasn't going to let a number hold me back from possibly dating a great guy. I mean the last guy I dated was tattooed from head to toe, literally. He turned out to be an awesome guy. We just couldn't work out the distance between us and our busy schedules and so we ended it. So I know that if I turn off that little voice in my head that says I shouldn't because of blah blah blah, I can overlook the "minor" details.

As my friend Michael would say, life is about the adventure...So I'm going to play by that rule and just go for it. :)
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Ahhh at last! [Feb. 16th, 2010|11:14 pm]
Jessica
[Current Mood |ecstaticecstatic]

So, I got my lottery winnings today! Whoop whoop! I CANNOT wait to pay off some credit cards! I still can't believe that the chances of us winning was 1 in 3.8 million! Just glad I was one of the 20 that won. Never thought in my wildest dreams that I would/could win. Reliving that moment when they told us we had won is amazing. I could cry all over again just thinking about it. So needless to say, tonight will be pleasant dreams. :)
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The future; may it be bright :) [Nov. 18th, 2009|01:53 pm]
Jessica
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

So I was on some medication for about 3 months that f'd up my hormones and basically made me depressed and very irritable. I would cry at anything, get angry at anyone, and just want to be left alone. I have since gone off that medication and am feeling much more like myself. I do believe that I basically had an "out of body" experience those few weeks. Not feeling like myself gave me the opportunity to really look deep inside myself. I knew I wanted to be a better person and really tried to figure how I could achieve that. So I started to mess around with ideas of going back to school, finding a new job, going to church, getting into better shape, etc.

I've since gone to church and found it very uplifting. It was actually a bit overwhelming. I went back to a church that I use to attend when I was younger and it just had a feeling of nostalgia to it. I had tears almost all throughout the service, but it felt good. I'm not quite sure if I'm "sold" on this church though. It's a Church of God, so it's pentecostal and it's a bit strange when people just get up and twirl about in a dance. Find it a little distracting. I've only gone once though, but plan to go back this Sunday.

I've kicked Lindsay out from my house. Our relationship had just turned to shit. She's a totally different person than she was 2 years ago and it's very sad. But she is what she is and I'm done. She got most of her stuff out on Sunday and I told her what wasn't out was either being sold, thrown away, or given away. So I now have my house back to myself and I think it's for the best. Of course I'll miss that extra money each month, but I'll deal with it.

I've been working out 5-6 days a week and see a 6 pack in my near future, and not from the fridge! Ali and I had a 2 week boot camp session to help us get back into it. Since then I've been really hitting the gym hard and controlling my diet. To the point of only drinking alcohol once a week and only minimal at that! I read a book by Jillian Michaels called, Master your Metabolism. Found it extremely fascinating! So from the book and our boot camp I think I'm well on my way to a healthier me. But in saying that, it's not like I've become fat or anything, just trying extra hard to reach my goal I never quite got.
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